As someone who knows how to hack computers well enough to put words
on this website (Cracked's IT department have been trying to stop me for
years), I'm often approached by family members seeking help with their
computing problems. And although it's nice to feel useful, as John
Cheese has sexily pointed out, fixing computers also kind of sucks.
If the problem is straightforward, sure, I don't mind taking 30, even
40 seconds to look at a relative's computer and lovingly stroke it back
to life. But man do I not want to sink two or three hours into these
issues, which is so often what they take.
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"When you're done, the grout needs scrubbing, and we could also use a new wing on the house."
I suspect many of you are in the same boat, our computing expertise
forcing us into the ranks of guys with pickup trucks who are asked to
help with a move every weekend, or doctors obliged to investigate weird
moles at every social function. With middling power comes great
responsibility, and it's one we rightly want to shirk.
And shirking?
That I can help you with.
#6. Develop A Reputation As Someone Who Breaks Computers
This is a problem of reputation as much as anything else -- no one
asks your idiot brother to help fix their computer, because everyone
knows that isn't one of his skills.
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Knowing where to find drugs. That's basically all he's got, but boy does he have it.
So how do you shake your reputation?
By making everything worse.
When asked to fix a computer, click on every "free virus scan" flashing
banner ad you can find, install every toolbar you see, and visit every
website Russia has ever made. Your goal here is to make the computer
start to smoke. If software can't do it, you'll need to investigate
hardware solutions, which in this case means power tools. Ask your
relatives if anyone's pregnant or trying to get pregnant, mumble
something about fumes and "evil spirits," then get to work with an angle
grinder and a forge. Empty an entire can of bacon grease on the
monitor, then disappear for two weeks to "get parts" and "reevaluate."
They'll get the point.
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That your two-time loser brother is still several losses behind you.
#5. Teach Them
Computers are complicated tools, and there are always going to be ways to use them improperly. Yet
you never need help fixing your own computer, or even need to fix it much in the first place, and you're a
pen-sniffing idiot.
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Our web statistics tell us that 74 percent of you involuntarily shuddered when seeing this picture.
But if there was some way to impart your computing knowledge, you
could help your friends and relatives avoid these problems themselves.
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Perhaps by some kind of hands-to-face mind meld technique.
First, figure out what keeps breaking for them. Is it their wireless
network? Teach them a bit about how wireless networks work. Show them
how to reboot everything and the order in which to do it, and tell them
what all the flashing lights mean. Or is their problem malware and dodgy
toolbars? After scrubbing that shit off their computers, go on a field
trip with them. Visit some shady Tamogatchi-snuff-streaming websites and
point out all the banner ads and scams and other virus-laden things
they should never ever click on.
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"Don't click that. Or that. Or that. Don't click
anything, actually. I'm just going to take your mouse. Just read Google.
They change the doodle most days, so it's still fun."
And here's the important bit:
Make them listen. They're not
going to want to, so use basic grappling techniques to make them.
Explain clearly that this is a necessary part of computer ownership and
to quit struggling. It's like knowing how to change a flat tire. Even if
you hope you don't need to do it, it's kind of reckless driving without
knowing how.
#4. Turn It Into An Appliance
You don't need to know how some devices work. Like microwaves -- they
use pretty small waves? You just press the "Popcorn" button and wait.
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Doesn't matter what you're cooking. Just keep hammering on Popcorn.
But that's simply not the case with computers. People wearing
turtlenecks and frameless eyeglasses have been improving the usability
of computers for the past couple decades, and have only made marginal
progress: they're still incredibly complicated machines with incredibly
complicated interfaces. Any time they've tried to make a computer too
much like an appliance (re: Microsoft Bob,
or even Windows 8), this has necessarily limited the things those
machines are capable of doing or hid important features, angrifying the
users who need them. The fundamental problem here is we're trying to
sell the same box to both Grandma and a Level 49 HyperNerd, and that's
kind of insane.
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"Yes, Tommy. Grandpa and I are using the beta drivers on
our SLI'd GTX 980s and seeing no stability issues, so give it a try. See
you at Easter."
So if the turtlenecked have failed, what can we do? Installing a
modern browser, virus scanner, and malware screener helps make a
computer a little more appliance-like. You could even follow the route
of corporate IT departments and remove programs your relatives should
never use, strip the administrator privileges from their account, or
install website blockers. Though this is just as likely to get you more
phone calls for help when they keep banging their heads on your efforts
to keep them safe.
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"Tommy, did you HAXXZ0R my box?"
Replacing their computer with an iPad or something is another option.
Or if their needs are particularly minimal, give them a doctored-up
digital picture frame playing a loop of grandchildren, cat memes, and,
just so they don't get confused, error messages.
#3. Remove The Need For Computers
And if we fail in our efforts to turn the computer into an appliance
and our relatives refuse to allow us to lay hands to their face to
impart our computing wisdom, what then? The answer is surprisingly
simple: We change their world into one which no longer needs computers.
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Much better.
Ask your relatives for complete privacy, shut the door to their
office / computer nook, turn on their computer, and wait 28 minutes for
it to complete booting. Open up a new text file, and then, using basic
software engineering techniques, design a new type of computer which is
self-aware enough to be capable of maintaining itself. Next, using a
simple email program or web service, contact various venture capital
firms to secure funding, and begin production of your new device,
ushering in a new era of human existence in which computers are
effectively invisible to our eyes, operating forever in the background
without our input.
Be careful to avoid creating a nightmarish futuristic hellscape.
Maybe check a couple ethics pages on Wikipedia first. That done, unplug
your relative's computer, throw it in the trash, and emerge to tell
them the good news.
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"It's really more of a nightmarish futuristic dystopia, not hellscape. So that's a win."
But what to do if you can't even manage something that simple?
#2. Blackmail
Our computers are just lousy with evidence of how wretched we are.
This can include our sticky browser histories, our terrible music
libraries, or any one of the half-finished novels littering our hard
drives, filled with characters who keep shrugging and exclaiming at each
other.
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Outside, the sky thundered and shrugged. I turned to
Bob and exclaimed, "As you know, Bob, ever since the Personification
Wars of 2108, the sky has been capable of gestures."
So if all else fails, you can always harvest as much of this
embarrassing information as possible. Then the next time this relative
needs help from you, you ask them what it's worth to them.
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"This is some fucked-up shit, Grandpa. I'd hate for you to spend the golden years of your life tied up in war crime tribunals."
Again, this isn't going to make you popular at Thanksgiving, so maybe
save this one for a year you really don't want to do any traveling. Or
at least
try to usher in a new terrifying epoch first.
#1. Charge Them
To the uninitiated, fixing computers must look pretty mysterious.
Cryptic error messages, strange and exciting progress bars, the
mysterious eldritch procedure known as "Rebooting the Router."
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"HEED ME, BALTh'OMAR! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT RITE OF UNPLUGGING FOR TEN SECONDS."
Although this might seem easy to you or me, knowing how and when to
do these things takes experience. And seeing as applying this experience
can take hours of effort, it's
also worth something.
Professional computer repair operations charge something in the
neighborhood of $50 to $100 per hour for their "labor," which is the
correct term for it, even if it involves sitting quietly in a padded
chair. So when a relative asks you for help fixing a computer, that's
potentially a couple hundred bucks of work they're asking for.
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"We'll give you a Coke."
Now obviously, we do nice things for our relatives all the time
without considering payment. Handing your uncle an invoice for a chore
you've just done is commonly called "A Dickily Dickish Dick Move." But
damned if it doesn't get a certain message across, and put to a stop any
more friendly requests for computer assistance. So if you're really fed
up with them, and can stand the stern looks around the Thanksgiving
table you're going to get, yeah, go ahead and put a lien on Grandma's
house.
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